Life of a 20-year old

Exams are over but what's in store next? Now that i have 3 whole months to myself, how do i make the most of it without wasting it away? Mid June onwards will be camp after camp, which means i only have very little time to make myself useful. I want a job, but there ain't any news so far. I haven't been spending time wisely with God. I haven't been reading my bible daily and praying daily. This bugs me a lot but i lack the motivation to do so. I haven't been talking to many people. I feel very shut in my own world ever since exams were nearing, and now that exams are over, i still feel just as shut out. I miss my friends. Sorry i haven't been catching up with you all or not replying all the time. Time's been so tight ! Somehow situations always crop up and i have don't even have any free time for myself, not even to just chill at home. Why is it that i still feel as busy even when exams are over. I haven't been able to have a good sleep since preparing for exams, and once again now that exams are over, i still haven't had a single day i could sleep for as long as i want to. No i'm not exaggerating. I'm tired, literally. I felt like i needed to get away from Singapore when the semester hadn't ended, but after going to Malaysia for a week, i couldn't wait to come back. I need to go to a real place, a place that's really foreign and exciting, but somehow i know that's just not gona happen. At least not until december. The disappointment is overwhelming. My dad says i've lost my glow. Perhaps it was due to all the late nights in hall, but why do i have a feeling it'll only get worse.

Am i feeling this way because i've lost that peace within me? That peace and security i used to have but is now gone because i myself have been slipping away from God? I miss feeling how i used to feel in the past. I miss the times when God was still number 1 in my life. I'm not saying He isn't now, but my actions aren't doing my heart justice. I'm sick of going to the alter every week and making new pacts with God but yet breaking them as soon as the new week begins. I can't wait for LTD but honestly, i'm scared, because i've slipped behind too quickly, too far. It's really stressful at times.

Not many people understand me. And those who do have been missing from my life. (Please dearies ketchup soon, you know who you girls are) I hate the fact that we all slowly drift apart as we grow older because we all start being busier with all the new workloads. Meet-ups that used to be as often as once a week can be cut to once a month or even once every 2-3 months. What is this huh. I miss the carefree times we used to have when we had all the time in the world to kill after school that we didn't know what to do. I hate it how meetups or even updating sessions online can be so difficult because either one of us will always be busy or such. Or like now (or maybe during semester), when weekends have to be so painfully split between my family, friends and myself because of hall. I'm not blaming hall, because it's been one of the best things that ever happened to me in uni, but i hate it when i have to (and i would have done so anyway) prioritize my family over my friends. As a result, i really haven't seen alot of people for a long time. And each time i tell my parents i wana spend the weekend out, i feel bad doing so because i know i ought to be spending time with them just as much too. Once again, it's stressful, especially when i don't know how to say 'no'.

Maybe the past few weeks have just been so busy and packed i can barely breathe. This week will be packed too. I hope next week will be better. This time i don't even feel like having retail therapy. All i want is a whole day to chill, relax, sip coffee and watch tvee @ home, by myself. Surely this can't be too difficult right? Of course, i need weekly doses of girlfriends and buddies too.

Sorry for this long and whiny post. If you finished reading it, kudos to you because it was really nothing but complaints after complaints. But at least that's how i really feel now. & for the 10000000th time, i miss the past. Oh and past meaning the carefree and happy times, please don't infer too much into it. Growing up sure is tiring isn't it.

Lastly, I NEED TO START EXERCISING ! Jesus.